


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 467

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [19]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 07:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6415288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mace Windu is ALIVE...and insane!  Tatooine's most eligible hermit is confronted by the bad mofo with the purple lightsaber, who now speaks like Jules from PULP FICTION.  Plus, guess who's coming for dinner???</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 467

When we last left Obi-Wan, he had finally received a visit from the Force ghost of Qui-Gon Gin. Old wounds were reopened when the former Master and Padawan exchanged some heated words. A new wound was given when a crazed and totally alive Mace Windu showed up at Obi-Wan's door. 

TATOOINE - Day 467:

My head was pounding. 

I could hear someone moving around, but I couldn't see anything. I was half awake and I had no idea where I was or what had happened. I felt that my arms were positioned behind my back and bound tightly together. I also had something in my mouth and over my head. 

Then I remembered the face. Mace Windu was alive! He had hit me with some kind of club and I blacked out. 

"Good morning, Kenobi." Mace said in an overly sweet voice. "Sorry about the little tap to your noggin."

He pulled a bag from off my head. I refused to open my eyes and pretended to still be asleep. 

"I can sense you're awake, Kenobi." Mace said. "No need for games."

When I opened my eyes I was surprised to discover that it was now daytime. I had no idea how long I had been unconscious. 

When I was able to focus my vision I saw a completely haggard looking Mace Windu. He now had a long white beard, his left eye was discolored and his right hand was missing. He also walked with a noticeable limp. In the brief time since his supposed death he seemed to have aged twenty years. 

I attempted to speak to him but the gag in my mouth prevented that. 

Mace was holding a Tusken gaderffii stick, and leaned on it to lower himself down to one knee. 

"Now Kenobi," he began, "if I remove your gag you're gonna stay cool right? No screaming, mind tricking, or any of that crazy shit? Cuz I will fuck you up."

I nodded in agreement.

Mace placed his hand on my head and yanked the gag out of my mouth without an ounce of compassion. 

"Mace, how did you survive?"

"I could ask you the same thing, mother fucka!" Using the gaderffii stick he stood back up. 

"Why am I tied up?"

Mace screamed, "Because I don't trust you worth a good god damn!"

As Mace hobbled around my hut I could sense that whatever he had been through since the Clone Wars it had caused him to lose his himself, and his mind. 

He opened my ice box and pulled out a bottle. "What is this blue shit?"

"It's bantha milk, Master Windu." I attempted to be diplomatic, hoping to calm his nerves. 

"May I partake in this tasty beverage?"

"As you wish." I had no idea where Windu was going this. 

After taking a sip he spat it out onto my floor. "That is some repulsive shit, Kenobi!"

I wanted some answers now. "Mace, I just need to..."

"Shut the fuck up, Kenobi."

"I just need to..."

"SHUT UP!" Mace had a wild look in his eyes, then without missing a beat he completely changed his tone. "And what do we have here?"

I saw that he had placed two lightsabers on my bed. 

"I'm guessing that one of these bad boys is yours, Kenobi?"

"Listen," I became desperate, "I just need to.."

One of the sabers flew up into Mace's hand. He ignited it and held to my neck before I could finish my question.

"Say 'ijustneedto' one more time, mother fucka!" Mace was livid. "I dare you, Kenobi. Say 'ijustneedto' one...more...time!"

Unable to loosen the rope around my body I lowered my head in submission. 

Mace lowered Anakin's lightsaber, but kept it lit. He began pacing, mumbling to himself and swinging the saber around as he worked himself up. 

Having gathered whatever thoughts rattled around in his sickened mind, the fallen Jedi continued his line of questioning. "Now Kenobi, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was inquiring as to how you perchance came across TWO lightsabers."

I raised my head. Feeling that this might be the end, I decided to face death with the secret of Luke's location safely undisclosed. I looked this madman directly in his good eye and stated, "One is mine, and the other was taken from the Jedi I destroyed."

Once again Anakin's lightsaber was held up to my face. Nearly touching the tip of my nose, I was blinded by its blue glow. 

"So Kenobi, here's where you prove to be a man or a bitch. Who's lightsaber is it?"

I swallowed nervously, not sure if the truth would be to his liking or not. "It was Anakin's."

I had never seen Master Windu smile before, but the largest grin now filled his face. "Well shoot," he laughed. "Why didn't you say so in the first place? My Jedi."

Mace flicked his wrist and the saber sliced through my bindings. I sat up and rubbed my stiff shoulders. 

"I tell you, Kenobi, after that Skywalker mother fucka cut off my hand and let Palpatine throw me out a fucking window, I didn't know who to trust."

"I understand, Master Windu." I stood up and quickly Force grabbed my lightsaber from the bed and hooked it to my belt before this psycho could change his mind about how he felt towards me. "First the Clones turned against us," I continued, "then Anakin wiped out everyone in the Temple. So I followed him to Mustafar and destroyed him." I hoped Mace couldn't sense my half truth.

"Well look at the big bad skills on Kenobi." He slapped my arm. "So what are you doing on Tatooine?"

I cleared my throat. "I'm hiding from the Empire." I wasn't sure what he knew so I added, "I thought I was the only Jedi left."

"Well today is your lucky fucking day."

We both sat down and I now felt somewhat safe to ask, "So how did you survive Order 66?"

Mace appeared more relaxed and chuckled, "That was some crazy ass shit. That mother fucka Palps throws me out a fucking window and I fall to the lower fucking levels of Coruscant and land on a Hutt. I tell you, I squished the shit out of that bitch, but it broke my fall. Then a mutual friend of ours found me and nursed me back to health."

Hope of another Jedis existence overwhelmed me. "Who's our mutual friend?"

"That's a surprise, Kenobi. He's here on Tatooine with me. I sent him out last night for some supplies and shit. He should be returning forthwith."

I could sense the Master Windu whom I used to know hidden deep beneath the battered shell of this lunatic. Maybe I could bring him back. 

"So Master, how did you end up on Tatooine?"

His relaxed smile now transformed into an evil grin. "Well, I heard Boba Fett was here, and let's just say that mother fucka and I got some unfinished business."

That's when the sound of a dewback's moan was heard approaching from over the dunes. 

Mace immediately stood up. "That would be our mutual friend." He attached Anakin's lightsaber to his belt. Realizing I was eyeing the saber, he added, "I never did find my purple beauty. I guess my lightsaber and hand wound up in some sick mother fucka's collection. Hope you don't mind."

"Not at all, Master," I lied. I would have to get that saber back one way or another.

While we waited outside for "our friend" to approach, I decided to quickly check on the vaporators. As I knelt and cleaned out the filters I heard something approaching from behind. 

"O-BEE! Meesa so hap..."

Acting completely on instinct I jumped up and swung around holding my lightsaber. In less than a heartbeat Jar Jar's head hit the sand. His large webbed ears continued to flap around. With Jar Jar's last act of clumsiness his body fell forward knocking over my vaporator, breaking it. 

Mace turned the corner of my hut and saw the Gungan's decapitated head, with its ears still moving, making angel's wings in the sand. 

"Damn, Kenobi! That's some cold blooded shit!"

I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what to say. 

That night an age old question was finally answered, do Gungans taste like chicken or fish? I was surprised to find out that it was indeed chicken.


End file.
